Shouldn’t have gone to town on a Saturday... in the midst of all the frenzy, I walked around, feeling so alone in the crowd... Though about Jeff these few days... I haven’t really talked to him this whole week, when I’m on reading week break, been doing really well without him. Been thinking about that a lot, I really don’t need Jeff, I can live without him... do I love him? I do love him but I can live without him, does that make sense? I don’t him in my life, I don’t need to worry about him, I don’t have to worry about us, I don’t have to be upset about us, I don’t have to think about my future with him, I can just go on an live... on my own... whether anot I can live alone, that is a test to be taken...

The journey thus far here in UK, been a solitary one. Even as I was walking back from town just now, bracing the rain, feeling so sad and not comprehending, why can’t I just take the bus, the song came to my head “Be glad and rejoice, for the Lord our Saviour reigns, and the joy of the Lord will be my strength” The joy of the Lord will be my strength...

Talking to Jeff on Skype but not actually wanting to talk to him... does that make sense...

I can't do this... off and on the tears would come, falling down big fat splats on the grounds. I thought I was stronger. But I need human interaction. I need to be in touch with someone. It's really hard to get on my days in passing silence, with no one to talk to but sounds from my laptop, or sounds of voices of people laughing and talking and interacting outside of my window.  The occasional surface chats in the kitchen means nothing, empty chats. I need heart-to-heart, Oh God, please help me. I thought I am not feeling lonely, but I am. Am I denying the fact so that I would be able to go on my days easier? It's not easy when one week comes and one week passes, day and night you feel nothing has been achieved and you're just talking to yourself in your head, it's pitiful... oh, the look on my face is so pathetic, so desperate, the eyes so sad... and I haven't been in touch with anyone, only Jeff, and it might be too much to ask of him too to be here to listen to me most times.  What do I do? This is so different from what I imagined it would be like. So far it's been liberating to be living independently, at the price of solitary life. Where has my youth gone? What has happened to my cheerfulness and bubbli-ness? I want to return when I was happy again, carefree and running free with happy thoughts and optimism in my head. I want to go back to when I was younger... is this what life is, always a reminiscence of things in the past? A wishful yearning of time to go back of things to remain childlike and innocent... what am I doing here? Struggling so hard to be someone? Is this what God has in mind for me? Is the road supposed to be so dreary?

The way I am, always striving for something more, something bigger, never satisfied, never stop, this disease... needs to go...

Yesterday I had one of the best baths after 5 weeks being here. The whole day I was doing domesticated chores. Woke up in the morning at 8.30am and walked to town, reached about 9.40am. First stop was to Llyods to kaotim my internet banking, Natalie was serving me and with patience, bless her. Then went to Sports Direct to look for my jacket to replace the one from MnS, was supposed to buy myself a windbreaker but did not get it in the end although I spent more than half an hour in the shop. Went to Marks Spencer to return the necklace, though I loved it much, but it’s RM30, just leave it. Had thoughts of returning the jacket too, but didn’t wanna risk being too cheapskate, after all, I wore it though it’s a size bigger. Finished at MnS at 11, walked to Sainsbury. Left Sainsbury at  1pm! Went to Wilkinson to buy Tupperware for dry stuff, and Iceland frozen food. By the time I’m done, I reached home at 2pm, slaved in the kitchen (marinating my chicken, and chopping garlic, cleaning up spaces) it was 5pm! Talked to jeff online, and then continued cleaning my room. Previous day had to unpack my clothes and stuff, printer and mom’s package arrived the same day! Slept at 3am, woke up at 8.30, but really had a very good scrub with my stick. So after that, I felt really good, and I passed Ellie’s card on the board.

Deuteronomy 31:8  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord is the one that goes before you; he will never fail you nor forsake you.

Then along came this verse that has been in my head, which I never know which book, but I know it’s Chapter 28. Then 2Chronicles came to me. I flipped there, and voila

“”Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged by the size of the task, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. He will see to it that all the work related to he Temple of the Lord is finished correctly.” 2Chronicles 28:20.

I know now that the Lord is with me, I am not alone, and He’s beside me, inside me, with me every waking moment, every single second of my being. Even physically I am alone and sometimes I feel lonely, somehow I am able to withstand the loneliness, because the Lord is with me. Sometimes I ask God why am I taking this course, it’s way too hard. But now I am enjoying the course alot because I am reading ethnographies which I will never ever read have I pursued psychology. It takes me to a different perspective altogether, understanding why sometimes as an outsider, you really cannot make decision of what is good/better for the children in the community. There’s alot more than meets the face.

Its a Saturday today and I spent the whole day in the room, reading “The Street is my home” by Patricia C. Marquez, about street children in Venezuela. And so engrossed in it, I suddenly caught myself thinking that maybe “the shelter” wasn’t what is intended for them. What good will it be to provide them with food and shelter, but they are stagnated and marginalised in the society’s view? Have yet to find an answer, but I am glad these thoughts came to me, I am still “digging” and hoping  to uncover treasures from above. Amen.

Just finished watching “Baby on Board” on movie lab. My life has downgraded to those people who are strangers in the land, spending most time on the laptop watching movies, hardly socialising with other people. As I lay down here, I am thinking about Jeff and the relationship I have with him. I haven’t told him “I love you” in a while now. I don’t think I’ve said it since I arrived in Brunel. I honestly don’t know anymore. Here I am living my life on my own, the feeling as thought I am alone, without a boyfriend. There is no need to hear from him anymore, no expectations, nothing. However I do get sms-es from him but they are so short and curt they mean nothing to me. It is sad to have come to this stage. Surprisingly though, I called him and was genuinely happy to hear his voice. OR was it just me lacking someone to talk to? The question I now ask myself is, “ Do I love Jeff or was he merely someone who was convenient and available to me back in Malaysia?” Now that I’m here all alone, do I still love him? As selfish as I sound, I really do not know how to answer that. But without a doubt, I know that Jeff loves me, period. What is love? Do I have to return love because I know the person loves me alot? Do I love Jeff? Do I love Jeff? I know there won’t be any other guys on earth who would love me the same, but I still feel... Unsecure? Or loveless? Why? I cannot answer that. Even if he comes to me with a job, a house, a car and everything he owns with his own effort, do I love him them? Must love be proven? Or does it just happen? Jeff and I have been through a lot together. He used to send me to and fro from cell in HwaiTah’s house.  And then we spent some time sorting out clothes for “Spread the warmth”, and gradually we gotten close. I don’t know when he begin to notice me, but I remember having this lil crush on him. And like all other crushes, it fades after being discovered. I remember going up to him and Linda when they said that they were together and I congratulated them. It was weird I know. I slowly pulled him into my circle with Jenny and gang, Linda was there too, can’t really remember how it happened. Bumped into him in MV doing my Christmas shopping, he was with Kim, Penny, and HuiSin. It’s funny how he and his gang were so close last time but now everyone seems to have other things on hand and they hardly meet up anymore. And its funny how I never got to sit in with his gang, I dunno I feel uncomfortable although I know them, I feel like this “lil girl” in the group.  And then the ChiangRai trip where he was at the hospital with me. I remember feeling very touched when he put the sleeve of the jacket over my eyes. He slept on hard floor. Would I have done the same? I can’t remember which day it was, but both of us sat there on the couch crying and bawling like babies, and the laughing. That time I know that I would miss him terribly, but when I am here, I hardly shed a tear. Is it normal? Maybe I was welcoming the break from everything there. Do I see myself marrying Jeff? I dunno.

I wanna make you smile whenever youre sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

Ill get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

Ill miss you
Ill kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Ill need you
Ill feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if youve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Today I missed the 1^st seminar class on death. Went for Childhood Ant Class. Watched a movie on street children in India who had to work to feed themselves. It brought me to tears in class, and Icould barely hold it back, and Saj knew that. I would need to gain composure and toughen my heart to watch movies or documentaries like this. What can i do? I learnt that all the policy-makers cannot do justice to have on arch over all the nations. There should be different policies for different nations. Obviously the adults cannot decide what is best for the children looking from their throne on the decision chairs. Literally, the more i learn, the less i know. This course has brought me to a different perspective altogether. From the psychologist’s point of view where we try to understand (judge) people, to looking at the situation as a whole (an outside observer). And while sitting in class today I was looking at the picture of an airplane with a missing wing on the whiteboard. In my mind, i tried to draw the other wing, and the word “perspective” came to my mind. I wonder what it means. There i sat in class, feeling helpless and not knowing what i was doing, my purpose in taking the course. What is God trying to tell me or what is it i need to do here? Dig deep. Dig really deep. I really miss fellowshipping with people I know, people i love. I’m put here, in solitary. Away from all comfort and convenience. There is a purpose for me, I have yet to discover.  

Today i went to the Christian Union with Johnathan... we were the only Asians at sight initially. And then worship began. I was overwhelmed immediately at God’s goodness in my life. To be in Brunel at that very moment, worshipping and singing praises with so many other people from all over the world. Their motto, “To know Christ and to make Christ known”.  I know I’ve arrived at the right place. There we were singing, suddenly the thought of me being an outsider left me. All of us were united in there, singing and praising God, the God of love that brought us all together in the first place. Tears were hanging in there, i was just so touched and moved. It has been more than a week since i had any contact with Church from back home.  My initial meeting with them at the luau hasn’t been a very good impression since we were not invited in the first place. But today when we got to the front of the meeting gate two persons greeted us . and then Claire talked to us when we were seated down. I found Fon when we finished the session, and Rachel, Wissam and Lydia came and chat with us. The session, was talking about what CU is about, about praying and evangelising to the people out there Colossians 4:2-6. The president should be an undergrad. Am impressed with the fire that they have for spreading the Word. Also, the praise and worship for me was abit cut-off, not led by the spirit, no prayer, just an abrupt stop and the following song.

I’ll write more about my experience thus far in Brunel. Now, i’ve gotta go mug my book. James will definitely ask me about it tomorrow at course registration.

by Susan Doyle

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

Such a beautiful song, poignantly painting the harsh life of reality… so deeply moving, and I feel sorry now that I was so sleepy even after listening to this song yesterday when Jeff shared it with me, he had tears in his eyes while I was listening to it on my bed L should have been more sensitive… but I was deadly tired after the trip from Genting with my Lalalanders… our first outing together out of the KL valley…

I’ve finished my Degree course, officially, but the sweet taste of freedom did not quite reach me. Instead, a sense of dread greeted me. I dunno why I am here. Could be due to PMS, if my calculations are correct. It could also be the crossroad that I’m at now, I dun even know what I am feeling, Don’t wanna write no more.

I should really be working on my other assignment, or my thesis, but I really couldn’t. what is this feeling that I feel? I really do not know. Is this another case of PMS? I cannot say. Let me call this the outsider/stranger/alien.

I cannot comprehend my thoughts nor my emotions at the moment. Everything is an uncertainty… “That includes you” I said, but I guess he did not hear that. It really didn’t seem to matter much anymore if he would hurt me more or less or do not do anything to make me smile. In fact, I don’t think he can. What happens on the 28^th Feb when it is time to decide… do I stick to the rules or is there supposed to be none?

Went to Far’s house to help out with her wedding preparation, it’s so weird that I cannot talk to Cat nor Jesse, and did not even bother trying to make conversation. I guess I have become someone I dislike. Why did I isolate myself and refrain from expressing my thoughts and emotions anymore? Everything is sucked back in, suppressed and buried. I do not always get what I wish for. It’s also my own self-punishment to believe that I should have things harder? I am spoiled and I need to be disciplined, to learn patience in receiving something? I think it’s too late now, everything seems too bleak this very moment. My tears are hanging in the ducts, undecided if it’s worth the release… what is the point anymore at this moment when nothing seems to matter much to me. I have lost Grace in the process of becoming Grace. Who am I? who am I? Where did you go? Who are you? Why don’t you feel anymore, Grace? I don’t know… the person I thought I love isn’t a certainty anymore. I am not sure if he is the person I love. I cannot even tell it to the face now anymore… what is love? To love unconditionally? I cannot do that. Nor should I cheat myself that. I have become selfish, this new person I am, vengeful and apathetic. You don’t care about me, why should I care about you? Why are you different from all the rest struggling in the world? What is this place? What is this entry? What is the point of this? The stranger cannot see what the outcome is, nor can the outsider comprehend what the intrinsic thoughts, the alien has invaded… what shall I do.