Dear Jeff,

Several times today I thought about calling you to talk, but at the same time I feel the need to control myself lest we hurt each other more. I don't know what I am feeling, not sad, not angry, not happy, not numb. I went to meet my HELP friends today but I wasn't present, my body was there but my mind wasn't. I'm not interested in their keen gossips nor am I eager to share my love life with them, just told them to leave me be and move on to other topics.

Am at a stage where I am wondering what I want in life. What do I want to do with my life currently. I am still adjusting to coming home, not too keen after having seen the world, to come back to my little box. But at the same time, it was my own doing not to complete my work in time. Do I still want to be a foolish person dreaming for a man to change for my sake? Do I waste the years we spent together, memories shared and happy moments together forsaken because of my insecurity in the person's ability to keep me happy in the future?

I really dunno what gotten over me yesterday to say what I said in the car, us not having much in common. We did have a good trip in Cherating. I was relaxed, you had a relaxed trip without anything planned (first time ever I think), just going with the flow. Though I was relaxed, I was also agitated at the fact that I was "wasting" time. I am a person who is on-the-go and I can't stand being still. Yet at this point in my life, everything is still and I can't seem to move on. My relationship is a standstill, my career is uncertain, my place to be is unknown. I am hanging loose and at this stage in my life I don't like the feeling to be "hanging" without assurance. It's a tough place to be in. You on the other hand, are contented being relaxed, doing nothing just enjoying the goodness of nature and taking up whatever that is thrown on your way. We are like complete opposite in nature if u haven't realised that. We used to have more things in common but I guess me being away has taken off our activity time together thus our common ground becomes smaller and lesser. I am no longer the same Grace you knew. My experience in UK has changed my perception in things. The Cherating trip I hope was to strengthen us because I feel us falling apart, or rather on my behalf I can tell you that I don't feel the love from myself anymore. You may not be able to tell the difference but it's within me and I know how I feel. Somehow something just changed that November that I had the conversation with you, my feelings kinda evaporated because I did not want to be hurt anymore. Currently, I feel as though I have been using you to get through my days in UK because you were the only one that I really kept in touch with the whole time I was there. At the same time I keep holding on to memories we had and wonderful times we had. But is it enough? I have no energy to "woo" you anymore. I feel as though I am constantly taking care of you and I just want for a change to be taken care of. I want a man who would take care of me, lavish me sometimes, treat me specially, surprise me unexpectedly... my ideals in a relationship but I  haven't been getting much if any so far. When I say taken care of I don't mean when I am sick or when I am in need. It's just the normal daily living we go through, maybe you make the decisions and just take me places to wow me or just pampering me to make me happy, not just obliging to my every whim and fancy. That's not what I wish for – a man who listens to me. I rather have a man who would lead me, be strong enough to be dominant over me, someone I can respect and want to follow his every step. I don't blame you because you are the last child and the last child are always being pampered while I am the first and I am always the one taking initiative. But this is a relationship that should possibly lead to marriage. I don't think I want to go in the route where I would be taking care of my man. Though I may be strong and tough, sometimes I just want to be a damsel in distress and not worry about anything.  Then the next thing would be the thing you do with your time. it has always worried me what would happen to us if I marry you. Will I be the one providing for the family while you stay home and become house husband. Well it's the 21^st century and husband/wife share roles, but I still want the man to be the house provider. We never get to discuss things like this because I always get turned away or you would run away when I bring this topic up. Then I would have to ask and answer questions myself without your agreement/acknowledgement, it's weird.

We have been together for almost 5 years now, how have we progressed into "working towards marriage" apart from the time we spent together having good times, we have no other real commitments, nor did we make any plans together. W ewould just say we will "end up together" but what are the steps towards achieving that? – never talked about. How are we different from other couples who have just started? Should we continue wasting each other's time? it is not fair for either of us to continue. I for sure know that if you are still going to be you, the you I know the past 5 years, there is no way I could live with you. I would be finding fault with you every single day. So I have said it, yet and time again, it was the idea of you that I fell in love with. You would tell me, "you love me and would never let me go". If that was true, you would have done more and much more to keep me happy, to give me security in your plans and actions. If you have any, you would keep me in the know and share your thoughts with me, not be afraid of me telling you off when some actions are planned but not executed. You won't want to cause me to worry if you love me, you would have done everything you could to make me happy. You know what would. Maybe you may say you have, but perhaps it's not enough for me. Your everything now, is not good enough for me.

On the other hand, someone tells me "Be happy, Grace" be happy. I want to be happy. Sometimes I am genuinely happy with you without a trace of worry, but most of the time there is this dark cloud at the back of my head wondering where would this no-plan route lead us. Well you may say trust God. But God too said to work. Remember the equation  1x1=1. If both of us are incomplete persons, ½  x½ = ¼. I could work on getting happy, but getting happy means you getting a job, and you being unhappy. How then could we be happy together?

The old record will tune out now.

Wow, it’s been super ages since I wrote. My third season in this foreign land, so many blessings uncountable, came and gone, remembered and forgotten.

Just wanted to jot this down today as I was worshiping in LIC today, I cried again, so many things crossed my mind, Jo’s studies, Nana, my dad, my grandma, my mum and their welfare, Jeff, Carla and Roshan, Bein and her work issues... and I remembered Jeff telling if I’m crying means something is wrong. Is something wrong with me? Have I gotten too proud, too know-it-all? And I was asking God to humble me and to reveal to me things that I have yet to know, things that I can pray and overcome, and I suddenly wondered if I was in the right field, ever so often this thought would come roaming in my mind if I’m in the right field – children. and I was sitting at the service and Ps Brad was sharing about “Don’t curse the crisis” (Mark 2:1-12), how God can take the crisis and turn it around, and the lowest is you feel is probably the lowest you ever will get, that the ceiling is not the limit, the sky is. For those who are up, that’s probably the highest they will go and the roof is their limit. I was sitting down there and wondering about myself, about me going through this internal monologue debating whether work/money in UK. And I was thinking about just volunteering somewhere to gain experience this few more months here, my time here is limited. I want to give as much as I can, at the same time I struggle about the money issue. I have to constantly be reminded and seek God and His desire for me, that His Kingdom come His will be done, not my desire and will. And then after the service, this small boy from the family who was sitting on my left, came and gave me a handshake, I was stunned, and I asked for a hug and he gave me as well. I think that was a confirmation for me. God’s way of showing that His purpose for me is child-related. I am just being guided by faith at the moment, no idea what’s gonna happen to me after this dissertation period. Where I’ll even be. Came home, mum gave me the news that Jeff can’t come and stay with me. I was devastated nonetheless, I’ll give her some time to reconsider. If it’s God’s will for Jeff to come and visit me, Jeff will be able to come. If not, I shall learn to not complain.

Oh, and I shared with my cell last week (Phil, Selah, Natasha, Frank) about my being in the children’s ministry is God’s purpose in my life. And Selah said it’s an important one that God trusts me to take care of the children who are still malleable, yet to be completed moulded and shaped. I just realised the importance then... All of us play a diff roles in the kingdom of God.

I’m feeling emo at the moment, dunno why. Just yesterday I was on top of the world. I haven’t been attending church for about two months... then yesterday I followed Iby to Church of London in town, it was almost like Grace Assembly, and the message yesterday was about being at the right position, not by chance, not by coincidence, but God’s purposed journey. I was very moved by the message, just what I needed to hear at that point of time. God’s purpose for us, and us being stagnated by voices of discouragement. And they had an altar call, and there was this lady who prayed over me. And came to me after service and told me, “You have such a sweet spirit, it was a pleasure praying for you.” For me it was an encouragement, a confirmation that I am here for a reason, I am right in the place where I am supposed to be, not by chance or coincidence. I just to have more faith and believe that God is in control and He has plans for me. I just have to stay tuned to what he wants me to do.

Was feeling so lost just now, I dunno what I want to do by the end of my course. Should I go back Malaysia for Diana’s wedding? Where should I do my dissertation? Should I start looking for a place to stay after September, look for a job to feed myself. Jeff? Whether he will be able to come and provide his own expenses here in London, how we would be able to strive through in the future? Where would we be in the future, when should we get married... so many questions in my mind... I dunno where to start.

Shouldn’t have gone to town on a Saturday... in the midst of all the frenzy, I walked around, feeling so alone in the crowd... Though about Jeff these few days... I haven’t really talked to him this whole week, when I’m on reading week break, been doing really well without him. Been thinking about that a lot, I really don’t need Jeff, I can live without him... do I love him? I do love him but I can live without him, does that make sense? I don’t him in my life, I don’t need to worry about him, I don’t have to worry about us, I don’t have to be upset about us, I don’t have to think about my future with him, I can just go on an live... on my own... whether anot I can live alone, that is a test to be taken...

The journey thus far here in UK, been a solitary one. Even as I was walking back from town just now, bracing the rain, feeling so sad and not comprehending, why can’t I just take the bus, the song came to my head “Be glad and rejoice, for the Lord our Saviour reigns, and the joy of the Lord will be my strength” The joy of the Lord will be my strength...

Talking to Jeff on Skype but not actually wanting to talk to him... does that make sense...

I can't do this... off and on the tears would come, falling down big fat splats on the grounds. I thought I was stronger. But I need human interaction. I need to be in touch with someone. It's really hard to get on my days in passing silence, with no one to talk to but sounds from my laptop, or sounds of voices of people laughing and talking and interacting outside of my window.  The occasional surface chats in the kitchen means nothing, empty chats. I need heart-to-heart, Oh God, please help me. I thought I am not feeling lonely, but I am. Am I denying the fact so that I would be able to go on my days easier? It's not easy when one week comes and one week passes, day and night you feel nothing has been achieved and you're just talking to yourself in your head, it's pitiful... oh, the look on my face is so pathetic, so desperate, the eyes so sad... and I haven't been in touch with anyone, only Jeff, and it might be too much to ask of him too to be here to listen to me most times.  What do I do? This is so different from what I imagined it would be like. So far it's been liberating to be living independently, at the price of solitary life. Where has my youth gone? What has happened to my cheerfulness and bubbli-ness? I want to return when I was happy again, carefree and running free with happy thoughts and optimism in my head. I want to go back to when I was younger... is this what life is, always a reminiscence of things in the past? A wishful yearning of time to go back of things to remain childlike and innocent... what am I doing here? Struggling so hard to be someone? Is this what God has in mind for me? Is the road supposed to be so dreary?

The way I am, always striving for something more, something bigger, never satisfied, never stop, this disease... needs to go...

Yesterday I had one of the best baths after 5 weeks being here. The whole day I was doing domesticated chores. Woke up in the morning at 8.30am and walked to town, reached about 9.40am. First stop was to Llyods to kaotim my internet banking, Natalie was serving me and with patience, bless her. Then went to Sports Direct to look for my jacket to replace the one from MnS, was supposed to buy myself a windbreaker but did not get it in the end although I spent more than half an hour in the shop. Went to Marks Spencer to return the necklace, though I loved it much, but it’s RM30, just leave it. Had thoughts of returning the jacket too, but didn’t wanna risk being too cheapskate, after all, I wore it though it’s a size bigger. Finished at MnS at 11, walked to Sainsbury. Left Sainsbury at  1pm! Went to Wilkinson to buy Tupperware for dry stuff, and Iceland frozen food. By the time I’m done, I reached home at 2pm, slaved in the kitchen (marinating my chicken, and chopping garlic, cleaning up spaces) it was 5pm! Talked to jeff online, and then continued cleaning my room. Previous day had to unpack my clothes and stuff, printer and mom’s package arrived the same day! Slept at 3am, woke up at 8.30, but really had a very good scrub with my stick. So after that, I felt really good, and I passed Ellie’s card on the board.

Deuteronomy 31:8  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord is the one that goes before you; he will never fail you nor forsake you.

Then along came this verse that has been in my head, which I never know which book, but I know it’s Chapter 28. Then 2Chronicles came to me. I flipped there, and voila

“”Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged by the size of the task, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. He will see to it that all the work related to he Temple of the Lord is finished correctly.” 2Chronicles 28:20.

I know now that the Lord is with me, I am not alone, and He’s beside me, inside me, with me every waking moment, every single second of my being. Even physically I am alone and sometimes I feel lonely, somehow I am able to withstand the loneliness, because the Lord is with me. Sometimes I ask God why am I taking this course, it’s way too hard. But now I am enjoying the course alot because I am reading ethnographies which I will never ever read have I pursued psychology. It takes me to a different perspective altogether, understanding why sometimes as an outsider, you really cannot make decision of what is good/better for the children in the community. There’s alot more than meets the face.

Its a Saturday today and I spent the whole day in the room, reading “The Street is my home” by Patricia C. Marquez, about street children in Venezuela. And so engrossed in it, I suddenly caught myself thinking that maybe “the shelter” wasn’t what is intended for them. What good will it be to provide them with food and shelter, but they are stagnated and marginalised in the society’s view? Have yet to find an answer, but I am glad these thoughts came to me, I am still “digging” and hoping  to uncover treasures from above. Amen.

Just finished watching “Baby on Board” on movie lab. My life has downgraded to those people who are strangers in the land, spending most time on the laptop watching movies, hardly socialising with other people. As I lay down here, I am thinking about Jeff and the relationship I have with him. I haven’t told him “I love you” in a while now. I don’t think I’ve said it since I arrived in Brunel. I honestly don’t know anymore. Here I am living my life on my own, the feeling as thought I am alone, without a boyfriend. There is no need to hear from him anymore, no expectations, nothing. However I do get sms-es from him but they are so short and curt they mean nothing to me. It is sad to have come to this stage. Surprisingly though, I called him and was genuinely happy to hear his voice. OR was it just me lacking someone to talk to? The question I now ask myself is, “ Do I love Jeff or was he merely someone who was convenient and available to me back in Malaysia?” Now that I’m here all alone, do I still love him? As selfish as I sound, I really do not know how to answer that. But without a doubt, I know that Jeff loves me, period. What is love? Do I have to return love because I know the person loves me alot? Do I love Jeff? Do I love Jeff? I know there won’t be any other guys on earth who would love me the same, but I still feel... Unsecure? Or loveless? Why? I cannot answer that. Even if he comes to me with a job, a house, a car and everything he owns with his own effort, do I love him them? Must love be proven? Or does it just happen? Jeff and I have been through a lot together. He used to send me to and fro from cell in HwaiTah’s house.  And then we spent some time sorting out clothes for “Spread the warmth”, and gradually we gotten close. I don’t know when he begin to notice me, but I remember having this lil crush on him. And like all other crushes, it fades after being discovered. I remember going up to him and Linda when they said that they were together and I congratulated them. It was weird I know. I slowly pulled him into my circle with Jenny and gang, Linda was there too, can’t really remember how it happened. Bumped into him in MV doing my Christmas shopping, he was with Kim, Penny, and HuiSin. It’s funny how he and his gang were so close last time but now everyone seems to have other things on hand and they hardly meet up anymore. And its funny how I never got to sit in with his gang, I dunno I feel uncomfortable although I know them, I feel like this “lil girl” in the group.  And then the ChiangRai trip where he was at the hospital with me. I remember feeling very touched when he put the sleeve of the jacket over my eyes. He slept on hard floor. Would I have done the same? I can’t remember which day it was, but both of us sat there on the couch crying and bawling like babies, and the laughing. That time I know that I would miss him terribly, but when I am here, I hardly shed a tear. Is it normal? Maybe I was welcoming the break from everything there. Do I see myself marrying Jeff? I dunno.

I wanna make you smile whenever youre sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

Ill get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

Ill miss you
Ill kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Ill need you
Ill feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if youve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Today I missed the 1^st seminar class on death. Went for Childhood Ant Class. Watched a movie on street children in India who had to work to feed themselves. It brought me to tears in class, and Icould barely hold it back, and Saj knew that. I would need to gain composure and toughen my heart to watch movies or documentaries like this. What can i do? I learnt that all the policy-makers cannot do justice to have on arch over all the nations. There should be different policies for different nations. Obviously the adults cannot decide what is best for the children looking from their throne on the decision chairs. Literally, the more i learn, the less i know. This course has brought me to a different perspective altogether. From the psychologist’s point of view where we try to understand (judge) people, to looking at the situation as a whole (an outside observer). And while sitting in class today I was looking at the picture of an airplane with a missing wing on the whiteboard. In my mind, i tried to draw the other wing, and the word “perspective” came to my mind. I wonder what it means. There i sat in class, feeling helpless and not knowing what i was doing, my purpose in taking the course. What is God trying to tell me or what is it i need to do here? Dig deep. Dig really deep. I really miss fellowshipping with people I know, people i love. I’m put here, in solitary. Away from all comfort and convenience. There is a purpose for me, I have yet to discover.